Brother Luiz

My Liverpool Football Club alarm clock stirred me from my slumber as normal this morning. Dreams of challenging for fourth spot and a glory laden future under the stewardship of the great one, gently gave way to the electronic tones of You'll Never Walk Alone.

A deluded Australian this week claimed to be the second coming during an awkward walkabout for the benefit of the press - the gutter press, the greatest evil to ever exist. But all us fans of Liverpool Football Club know that the second coming is already walking among us (unalone). And the hallowed halls of Anfield. And he goes by the name of Brendan Aloisious Pious Rogers.

As I sipped at my Liverpool Football Club official breakfast tea blend, I heard the news that has shaken me to my very core. The victims of the Oklahoma Tornado can not possibly have been more perturbed as I, as the reality hit home. An enormous weather system tearing a destructive path through my very core as me ma broke it to me.

Luiz wants to leave.

I shook my dear mother violently for 11 minutes until her protestations confirmed she was telling the truth. The Premier League's greatest player has been hounded from the grasp of the greatest fans in the history of aerobic organisms by the uncalculable malevolence that resides among us.

And blameless Luiz, the very picture of innocence. As innocent and blameless as an innocent, blameless Chinese baby, has been flushed down the toilet into a shit filled pipe by the very epitome of immorality. When all he wanted to do was remain in the arms of his soul mate. The one who breathed life into him.

Brendan Aloisious Pious Rogers and Liverpool Football Club.

All I can do right now is crawl under my duvet and wait. Wait for news that the tide has turned. The tsunami of hate has retraced its bitter steps. Brendan says you can live without water for 78 hours but you can't live a moment without hope. I will retire to my Official Liverpool Football Club futon adorned with my Liverpool 'Shankly' duvet and wait without sustenance - Hope will be my bread and water.

Today, the sausage skin factory will have to do without me.


Dear, love is a burning fire
Stay, cause then the flames grow higher
Babe, don't let them break your heart
It's easy, easy
Boy, this game can't last forever
Why we cannot live together
Try, don't let them take your love from me

You're so good, can't you see Brother Luiz, Luiz, Luiz
I'm in love, set you free
Oh, you're only looking to me
Only love breaks my heart Brother Luiz, Luiz, Luiz
Only love's paradise
Oh, you're only looking to me

Brother Luiz, Luiz, Luiz
Oh, you're only looking to me
Oh, let it Luiz
I'm under my covers
Brother Luiz, Luiz, Luiz
Oh, doing what he's doing
So, don't leave us Louie
Cause I'm you're lover

Stay, cause this boy wants to gamble 
Stay, love is more than I can handle, boy
Oh, come on stay by me forever, ever
Why do they go on pretending
That, you're love is an ending fate
Babe, don't let them steel your love from me

You'll never walk alone

Especially when you're streaming out to catch your flight back to Norway when 2-0 down at home to West Brom. The greatest fans in the Solar System showing their appreciation for Brendan's groundbreaking football philosophy. I hope they managed to catch his words of wisdom on the radio on the way to the airport.

Oldham 3 Liverpool Football Club 2

Brendan Rodgers on defeat to Manchester United and more

Brendan Rodgers took time out of his busy schedule to speak to Bawk at Rawk following the Red's 2-1 defeat at Old Trafford last Sunday.

BAR - Brendan, welcome to Bawk at Rawk. Thanks for coming in and talking to us

BR - It's a pleasure. It's really nice to come in and touch base with you. When I heard you wanted to speak to me I thought to myself, let's run that one up the flag pole and see which way the wind blows. And I have to say that from the get-go I was impressed with your blue sky 360 degree thinking, OK?

BAR - Um, Ok. Now Brendan, a defeat at Old Trafford would normally be a disappointment for a Liverpool manager, but I understand you're feeling quite the opposite this morning.

BR - Absolutely. I thought the players were magnificent, OK? You know, you can't have your cake and eat it, so you have to step up to the plate and face the music. I'm finally beginning to leverage the talent of the players. We lost the game 2-1, but we didn't lose 2-1 in terms of quality. In terms of quality, I'd say we nicked it 3-2 with a winning goal on 87 minutes from Daniel Sturridge.

It's like, I'm not 17 stone and rising in terms of quality. In terms of quality I'm a trim 12 stone with rock hard pecs like Peter Andre in his pomp. When you walk up the strategic staircase and begin to drill down into the details the facts become clear. I take a high altitude view of things. And always referring to our legendary fans - the greatest fans in the history of bipedal species - ensures I never wrongside the demographic. And get away with absolutely no progress and terrible results week in week out.

BAR - And how do you see the rest of the project panning out Brendan.

BR - Well you know, I have my fingers down the throat of the organisation of this nodule. I have a pre-plan and I'm on top of the details with an outlook of cascading granularity. I'm conversating with the low hanging fruit and we're pushing the boundaries. You can't take a tanker approach to a speed-boat change - you need a holistic cradle to grave approach.

In terms of pre-preperation we're not deep in mid table. In terms of coming to the party with a paradigm shift, we've already won a hat-trick of Premier League titles, sent Manchester United into administration, won the Champions League and dug Shankly up, revived him and made him club ambassador.

At this point the interview was cut short as two thick set gentlemen in a Black Maria came to collect the Liverpool Boss - no doubt to whisk him to another high powered meeting.

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