Sunday, October 21, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
We have lift off
Posted by Andy Badgeman
Just got back from the Aldi and noticed the score on Ceefax. The mighty Reds 5 - Norwich City the canaries 2.
After a testing few early weeks of the season we're finally on our trajectory to the stars. We all knew it was coming. We had faith and we didn't walk alone. And we didn't allow the dreams of our great manager to become tossed and blown. When I saw the result I choked back a tear because I knew that finally Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers could sleep soundly.
Soundly in the knowledge that he'd fully justified himself to the Liverpool family.
The man has had to shoulder almost insurmountable pressure in the last few weeks. Pressure applied by Mr Sir Alex Ferguson and his goons in black. Pressure applied by evil. But he was able to gather the pressure in his generous heart and mind. And deflect it back on the unmentionables - with interest.
With today's result in mind I have decided to spend my Saturday night analysing just why it is that Liverpool Football Club have emerged from the ashes. With class, grace, civility, humility, dignity, grace, humility and no shortage of dignity. The conclusion I have reached is one that will give us all hope for the future. The turnaround is down to one man.
Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers.
The graph below shows the number of times Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers uses the versatile discourse marker 'ok' in a sentence.
When he took over Liverpool Football Club the graph clearly shows that, still finding his feet, his use of the back channelling item started off slowly. But as confidence grew among the manager and the group of footballers, the term became more useful. Helping to reinforce the ground breaking philosophy of the new genius over see-er and his charges. Charges who soaked up the wise words of the great man like a sanitary towel soaking up a light blue liquid in a television commercial broadcast.
It is this crucial use of simple language that is helping the group to mould into the vision of the greatest coach in the omniverse. And is a vital reason why Liverpool Football Club is heading into an era of total football - and total football domination.
The second graph shows just how important linguistics are when educating players.
You educate players. Not train them. You train dogs. And when players don't want to be educated you tell them what they're doing wrong. You don't take them to a secluded wooded area and put a bullet in their ear. You put dogs down. You don't put players down. Oh, well you do......but not in that way.........Oh and you can only trust yourselves......and your families............Oh and don't forget the fans.
The greatest fans in the game.
The second graph shows the increase of inciteful cliche use from Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers from the last two years. As you can see the gems of wisdom, which will have never been uttered before by a human being, have jumped significantly since Rodgers took over. When at Swansea he would only come up with around 17 pearls of intelligence an hour. But since taking over at Anfield his use of philosophical soundbites that would make Plato blush have more than doubled to 41 an hour.
It's a clear sign that the absolutely brand new football philosophy that Brendan Rodgers invented totally on his own is finally finding its way into the brains of the players. Brains that could only hope to contain the capacity for knowledge of the brain of the master.
The brain that is helping Liverpool Football Club turn the corner. Turning around like a 19th century steam ship that had been heading for an iceberg until the arrival of our new Skipper. Our Captain. Our Saviour.
There is no need for women and children to leave this ship now Brendan's here. He is our lifeboat.
To further illustrate the life changing effect Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers has had on Liverpool Football Club I made a sketch of the workrate of our midfield in today's blockbusting victory.
As you can see from my detailed analysis the midfield now covers more space than any midfield in world football. Proving what we knew already. We have one of the best midfields in the world. And when Lucas returns we will have THE best midfield in the world.
The combination of these critical factors can be included in a greater theory regarding the rest of our Premier League Campaign.
Using Gödels completeness theorem assisted by Henkin's theorem, I have computed Liverpool Football Club's projected points tally for the new season.
As you can clearly see from my workings we are on course for a points total of 84.
Not quite enough for the title this year because of Mr Ferguson's antics in last week's terrible injustice upon our football club - Liverpool Football Club. But enough to take us back where we belong. Where Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers belongs. Where billions of fans of Liverpool Football Club the world over belong.
The Champions League.
Reply by Phil Thompson
Great analysis dat der and everything. What you've did there is show why this great football club - Liverpool Football Club and everything - is destined for a great future. I can't see my eyes when I look in the mirror there and everything because of my massive sneck and everything there. But I've got tears welling in my eyes there right now after reading that there.
Reply by Robbie Fowler
Y'know, I've got the IQ of a wardrobe, but your theories are so well put that even I can understand them y'know. I own trillions of houses, but non of them are built on foundations as solid as the foundations of your analysis mate y'know. Y'know, I shed a few tears there mate after reading that making my face even puffier than normal y'know. But it's all worth it at the end of the day y'know because I look like I've just woken up. Just like Liverpool Football Club is waking up under Brendan Rodgers.
Reply by Enoch Powell
I'm a massive racist so I'm obviously sympathetic to the Liverpool way and I just had to register to show my gratitude for your great post mate. May the rivers of blood run red. For the mighty reds of Liverpool Football Club.
Reply by Martin Georgiev
Wow, fantastic post mate. I had a massive dent in my head caused by a paving slab, apparently thrown by a sleeping man, hundreds of metres away in a hotel. But your analysis blew my mind to such an extent that the dent has now been pushed out. My skull is now back to its original shape with no loss of structural integrity.
Thanks Andy Badgeman
Just got back from the Aldi and noticed the score on Ceefax. The mighty Reds 5 - Norwich City the canaries 2.
After a testing few early weeks of the season we're finally on our trajectory to the stars. We all knew it was coming. We had faith and we didn't walk alone. And we didn't allow the dreams of our great manager to become tossed and blown. When I saw the result I choked back a tear because I knew that finally Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers could sleep soundly.
Soundly in the knowledge that he'd fully justified himself to the Liverpool family.
The man has had to shoulder almost insurmountable pressure in the last few weeks. Pressure applied by Mr Sir Alex Ferguson and his goons in black. Pressure applied by evil. But he was able to gather the pressure in his generous heart and mind. And deflect it back on the unmentionables - with interest.
With today's result in mind I have decided to spend my Saturday night analysing just why it is that Liverpool Football Club have emerged from the ashes. With class, grace, civility, humility, dignity, grace, humility and no shortage of dignity. The conclusion I have reached is one that will give us all hope for the future. The turnaround is down to one man.
Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers.
The graph below shows the number of times Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers uses the versatile discourse marker 'ok' in a sentence.
When he took over Liverpool Football Club the graph clearly shows that, still finding his feet, his use of the back channelling item started off slowly. But as confidence grew among the manager and the group of footballers, the term became more useful. Helping to reinforce the ground breaking philosophy of the new genius over see-er and his charges. Charges who soaked up the wise words of the great man like a sanitary towel soaking up a light blue liquid in a television commercial broadcast.
It is this crucial use of simple language that is helping the group to mould into the vision of the greatest coach in the omniverse. And is a vital reason why Liverpool Football Club is heading into an era of total football - and total football domination.
The second graph shows just how important linguistics are when educating players.
You educate players. Not train them. You train dogs. And when players don't want to be educated you tell them what they're doing wrong. You don't take them to a secluded wooded area and put a bullet in their ear. You put dogs down. You don't put players down. Oh, well you do......but not in that way.........Oh and you can only trust yourselves......and your families............Oh and don't forget the fans.
The greatest fans in the game.
The second graph shows the increase of inciteful cliche use from Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers from the last two years. As you can see the gems of wisdom, which will have never been uttered before by a human being, have jumped significantly since Rodgers took over. When at Swansea he would only come up with around 17 pearls of intelligence an hour. But since taking over at Anfield his use of philosophical soundbites that would make Plato blush have more than doubled to 41 an hour.
It's a clear sign that the absolutely brand new football philosophy that Brendan Rodgers invented totally on his own is finally finding its way into the brains of the players. Brains that could only hope to contain the capacity for knowledge of the brain of the master.
The brain that is helping Liverpool Football Club turn the corner. Turning around like a 19th century steam ship that had been heading for an iceberg until the arrival of our new Skipper. Our Captain. Our Saviour.
There is no need for women and children to leave this ship now Brendan's here. He is our lifeboat.
To further illustrate the life changing effect Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers has had on Liverpool Football Club I made a sketch of the workrate of our midfield in today's blockbusting victory.
As you can see from my detailed analysis the midfield now covers more space than any midfield in world football. Proving what we knew already. We have one of the best midfields in the world. And when Lucas returns we will have THE best midfield in the world.
The combination of these critical factors can be included in a greater theory regarding the rest of our Premier League Campaign.
Using Gödels completeness theorem assisted by Henkin's theorem, I have computed Liverpool Football Club's projected points tally for the new season.
As you can clearly see from my workings we are on course for a points total of 84.
Not quite enough for the title this year because of Mr Ferguson's antics in last week's terrible injustice upon our football club - Liverpool Football Club. But enough to take us back where we belong. Where Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers belongs. Where billions of fans of Liverpool Football Club the world over belong.
The Champions League.
Reply by Phil Thompson
Great analysis dat der and everything. What you've did there is show why this great football club - Liverpool Football Club and everything - is destined for a great future. I can't see my eyes when I look in the mirror there and everything because of my massive sneck and everything there. But I've got tears welling in my eyes there right now after reading that there.
Reply by Robbie Fowler
Y'know, I've got the IQ of a wardrobe, but your theories are so well put that even I can understand them y'know. I own trillions of houses, but non of them are built on foundations as solid as the foundations of your analysis mate y'know. Y'know, I shed a few tears there mate after reading that making my face even puffier than normal y'know. But it's all worth it at the end of the day y'know because I look like I've just woken up. Just like Liverpool Football Club is waking up under Brendan Rodgers.
Reply by Enoch Powell
I'm a massive racist so I'm obviously sympathetic to the Liverpool way and I just had to register to show my gratitude for your great post mate. May the rivers of blood run red. For the mighty reds of Liverpool Football Club.
Reply by Martin Georgiev
Wow, fantastic post mate. I had a massive dent in my head caused by a paving slab, apparently thrown by a sleeping man, hundreds of metres away in a hotel. But your analysis blew my mind to such an extent that the dent has now been pushed out. My skull is now back to its original shape with no loss of structural integrity.
Thanks Andy Badgeman
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Joseph Michael Allen
I've just got back from Karate and heard that the mighty reds have signed Jospeh Michael Allen for a pittance. It must be a pittance because I read that Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers said that he would have paid many millions more for the lad.
And now I'm confident.
I'm confident for the season ahead. Confident because we now have a manager who can find a bargain where the big boys go shopping. A diamond in the rough. A lolly stick in a dog shit. A malteser in a bag of Revels.
A Spaniard in sheeps clothing.
Once I'd seen what the best young manager in world football could do in our first two games of the season I knew I was witnessing history being made. I knew I was seeing genius at work. Genius that was exploding all over Anfield. Genius that was ejaculating with real purpose and drive around the hallowed halls. And to add to that the best piece of business we've ever seen just proves how astute I am. I'm astute because I'm a fan of Liverpool Football Club.
And we're the most astute fans in the history of carbon based lifeforms.
We are the kind of fans that can take a player to the next level. We are the fans that can lift a human being to heights never seen before. I personally am the kind of fan that can do all this and more for Joseph Michael Allen.
I will start by gently caressing his neck. I'll whisper gently into his ear that we've won it five times. I'll remind him of the day at Chelsea a billion years ago when the King clinched the title. As he lightly moans and melts as the enormity of these achievements rolls over him like a gentle wave on a sun kissed Caribbean beach, I'll nibble his ear and pull him closer. I'm holding him firmer now. As I wrap my legs around him, I forcefully, through slightly gritted teeth, remind him that Liverpool Football Club are the most successful British Club in Europe.
And that we've won it five times.
I can feel him yielding to me as I continue with my seduction. He wants me to take control. He wants me to drive him on. We've both gone too far to stop now. He thinks the time is not right just yet but he knows it's coming. He knows there is no turning back. I just have to make it happen with the right move at the right time. I have to make him want to accept it.
So I tell him that we've won it five times. And that seals the deal.
As he opens up to me I gently find my way and thrust inside him. He gasps slightly at the enormity of my dedication as a fan of Liverpool Football Club and breathes in deeply as my love of the mighty reds fills him up. My enthusiasm opens up tiny fissures in his anal cavity that yield the red of our famous club.
Liverpool Football Club.
And as I begin to pound away at a machine gun rate, I know that this consumation will herald a new dawn for the greatest football club that has ever existed. It all becomes clear to Joseph Michael Allen too. He knows that with me bumming him ragged he'll never want for love or support from us great fans. And that by being bummed ragged by me, he is truly at one with the greatest fans ever known to exist.
And then we do it five times. Just so he understands what it means to play for this great club.
Liverpool Football Club.
And now I'm confident.
I'm confident for the season ahead. Confident because we now have a manager who can find a bargain where the big boys go shopping. A diamond in the rough. A lolly stick in a dog shit. A malteser in a bag of Revels.
A Spaniard in sheeps clothing.
Once I'd seen what the best young manager in world football could do in our first two games of the season I knew I was witnessing history being made. I knew I was seeing genius at work. Genius that was exploding all over Anfield. Genius that was ejaculating with real purpose and drive around the hallowed halls. And to add to that the best piece of business we've ever seen just proves how astute I am. I'm astute because I'm a fan of Liverpool Football Club.
And we're the most astute fans in the history of carbon based lifeforms.
We are the kind of fans that can take a player to the next level. We are the fans that can lift a human being to heights never seen before. I personally am the kind of fan that can do all this and more for Joseph Michael Allen.
I will start by gently caressing his neck. I'll whisper gently into his ear that we've won it five times. I'll remind him of the day at Chelsea a billion years ago when the King clinched the title. As he lightly moans and melts as the enormity of these achievements rolls over him like a gentle wave on a sun kissed Caribbean beach, I'll nibble his ear and pull him closer. I'm holding him firmer now. As I wrap my legs around him, I forcefully, through slightly gritted teeth, remind him that Liverpool Football Club are the most successful British Club in Europe.
And that we've won it five times.
I can feel him yielding to me as I continue with my seduction. He wants me to take control. He wants me to drive him on. We've both gone too far to stop now. He thinks the time is not right just yet but he knows it's coming. He knows there is no turning back. I just have to make it happen with the right move at the right time. I have to make him want to accept it.
So I tell him that we've won it five times. And that seals the deal.
As he opens up to me I gently find my way and thrust inside him. He gasps slightly at the enormity of my dedication as a fan of Liverpool Football Club and breathes in deeply as my love of the mighty reds fills him up. My enthusiasm opens up tiny fissures in his anal cavity that yield the red of our famous club.
Liverpool Football Club.
And as I begin to pound away at a machine gun rate, I know that this consumation will herald a new dawn for the greatest football club that has ever existed. It all becomes clear to Joseph Michael Allen too. He knows that with me bumming him ragged he'll never want for love or support from us great fans. And that by being bummed ragged by me, he is truly at one with the greatest fans ever known to exist.
And then we do it five times. Just so he understands what it means to play for this great club.
Liverpool Football Club.
1954
We look back in time to RAWK in 1954 when Liverpool Football Club unbelievably were relegated from the old first division. It also happened in the same year that Everton were promoted to the first division.
Today is a devastating day in the lives of all fans of Liverpool Football Club. We had to suffer the terrible days of the blitz, when our chippies were bombed all over the show. We had to suffer rationing, when all we had to eat was a bit of powdered egg, and bits of our ration book, seemingly made from the same paper they use for raffle tickets.
And today we lost the raffle of life.
When I had both of my legs shattered by falling shrapnel as a howitzer flattened my coal bunker, my pain was immense. When the doctor, cigarillo in hand, administered a whisky tincture to the terrible wounds I passed out from the searing hell produced by the receptors in my brain. I thought nothing could feel more terrible than those dark days.
But I was wrong.
Because today a bomb has gone off in my heart. A bomb dropped by the Nazis of modern football. A bomb produced by the hateful blighters at the daily periodicals. A bomb that has left this great club - Liverpool Football Club - in a crater of hurt. A crater of shame. A crater of pain.
But we shall return. This great club and its great fans. The greatest fans in the civilised world, will be back once again. To stare into the eyes of the great clubs. West Bromwich Albion, Wolverhampton Wanderers and the mighty Huddersfield Town. We will once again stroll into the privileged rich heartlands of England and come away with the 2 points.
Because Liverpool Football Club never give in. Even when our legs have been horribly shattered and deformed.
We'll meet again,
Don't know where,
Don't know when
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day
Keep smiling through,
Just like our fans always do
Till the Redmen drive the dark clouds far away
So will you please say "Hello"
To the fans that I know
Tell them I won't be long
They'll be happy to know
That as you saw me go
I was singing this song
We'll meet again,
Don't know where,
Don't know when
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day
We'll meet again,
Don't know where
Don't know when.
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day.
Keep smiling through
Just like you always do,
'Til the Redmen
Drive the dark clouds far away
So will you please say"Hello"
To the fans that I know.
Tell them it won't be long.
They'll be happy to know
That as you saw me go,
I was singin' this song.
We'll meet again,
Don't know where,
Don't know when
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day
Today is a devastating day in the lives of all fans of Liverpool Football Club. We had to suffer the terrible days of the blitz, when our chippies were bombed all over the show. We had to suffer rationing, when all we had to eat was a bit of powdered egg, and bits of our ration book, seemingly made from the same paper they use for raffle tickets.
And today we lost the raffle of life.
When I had both of my legs shattered by falling shrapnel as a howitzer flattened my coal bunker, my pain was immense. When the doctor, cigarillo in hand, administered a whisky tincture to the terrible wounds I passed out from the searing hell produced by the receptors in my brain. I thought nothing could feel more terrible than those dark days.
But I was wrong.
Because today a bomb has gone off in my heart. A bomb dropped by the Nazis of modern football. A bomb produced by the hateful blighters at the daily periodicals. A bomb that has left this great club - Liverpool Football Club - in a crater of hurt. A crater of shame. A crater of pain.
But we shall return. This great club and its great fans. The greatest fans in the civilised world, will be back once again. To stare into the eyes of the great clubs. West Bromwich Albion, Wolverhampton Wanderers and the mighty Huddersfield Town. We will once again stroll into the privileged rich heartlands of England and come away with the 2 points.
Because Liverpool Football Club never give in. Even when our legs have been horribly shattered and deformed.
We'll meet again,
Don't know where,
Don't know when
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day
Keep smiling through,
Just like our fans always do
Till the Redmen drive the dark clouds far away
So will you please say "Hello"
To the fans that I know
Tell them I won't be long
They'll be happy to know
That as you saw me go
I was singing this song
We'll meet again,
Don't know where,
Don't know when
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day
We'll meet again,
Don't know where
Don't know when.
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day.
Keep smiling through
Just like you always do,
'Til the Redmen
Drive the dark clouds far away
So will you please say"Hello"
To the fans that I know.
Tell them it won't be long.
They'll be happy to know
That as you saw me go,
I was singin' this song.
We'll meet again,
Don't know where,
Don't know when
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day
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