Just got back from the Aldi and noticed the score on Ceefax. The mighty Reds 5 - Norwich City the canaries 2.
After a testing few early weeks of the season we're finally on our trajectory to the stars. We all knew it was coming. We had faith and we didn't walk alone. And we didn't allow the dreams of our great manager to become tossed and blown. When I saw the result I choked back a tear because I knew that finally Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers could sleep soundly.
Soundly in the knowledge that he'd fully justified himself to the Liverpool family.
The man has had to shoulder almost insurmountable pressure in the last few weeks. Pressure applied by Mr Sir Alex Ferguson and his goons in black. Pressure applied by evil. But he was able to gather the pressure in his generous heart and mind. And deflect it back on the unmentionables - with interest.
With today's result in mind I have decided to spend my Saturday night analysing just why it is that Liverpool Football Club have emerged from the ashes. With class, grace, civility, humility, dignity, grace, humility and no shortage of dignity. The conclusion I have reached is one that will give us all hope for the future. The turnaround is down to one man.
Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers.
The graph below shows the number of times Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers uses the versatile discourse marker 'ok' in a sentence.
When he took over Liverpool Football Club the graph clearly shows that, still finding his feet, his use of the back channelling item started off slowly. But as confidence grew among the manager and the group of footballers, the term became more useful. Helping to reinforce the ground breaking philosophy of the new genius over see-er and his charges. Charges who soaked up the wise words of the great man like a sanitary towel soaking up a light blue liquid in a television commercial broadcast.
It is this crucial use of simple language that is helping the group to mould into the vision of the greatest coach in the omniverse. And is a vital reason why Liverpool Football Club is heading into an era of total football - and total football domination.
The second graph shows just how important linguistics are when educating players.
You educate players. Not train them. You train dogs. And when players don't want to be educated you tell them what they're doing wrong. You don't take them to a secluded wooded area and put a bullet in their ear. You put dogs down. You don't put players down. Oh, well you do......but not in that way.........Oh and you can only trust yourselves......and your families............Oh and don't forget the fans.
The greatest fans in the game.
The second graph shows the increase of inciteful cliche use from Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers from the last two years. As you can see the gems of wisdom, which will have never been uttered before by a human being, have jumped significantly since Rodgers took over. When at Swansea he would only come up with around 17 pearls of intelligence an hour. But since taking over at Anfield his use of philosophical soundbites that would make Plato blush have more than doubled to 41 an hour.
It's a clear sign that the absolutely brand new football philosophy that Brendan Rodgers invented totally on his own is finally finding its way into the brains of the players. Brains that could only hope to contain the capacity for knowledge of the brain of the master.
The brain that is helping Liverpool Football Club turn the corner. Turning around like a 19th century steam ship that had been heading for an iceberg until the arrival of our new Skipper. Our Captain. Our Saviour.
There is no need for women and children to leave this ship now Brendan's here. He is our lifeboat.
To further illustrate the life changing effect Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers has had on Liverpool Football Club I made a sketch of the workrate of our midfield in today's blockbusting victory.
As you can see from my detailed analysis the midfield now covers more space than any midfield in world football. Proving what we knew already. We have one of the best midfields in the world. And when Lucas returns we will have THE best midfield in the world.
The combination of these critical factors can be included in a greater theory regarding the rest of our Premier League Campaign.
Using Gödels completeness theorem assisted by Henkin's theorem, I have computed Liverpool Football Club's projected points tally for the new season.
As you can clearly see from my workings we are on course for a points total of 84.
Not quite enough for the title this year because of Mr Ferguson's antics in last week's terrible injustice upon our football club - Liverpool Football Club. But enough to take us back where we belong. Where Brendan Aloisious Pious Rodgers belongs. Where billions of fans of Liverpool Football Club the world over belong.
The Champions League.
Reply by Phil Thompson
Great analysis dat der and everything. What you've did there is show why this great football club - Liverpool Football Club and everything - is destined for a great future. I can't see my eyes when I look in the mirror there and everything because of my massive sneck and everything there. But I've got tears welling in my eyes there right now after reading that there.
Reply by Robbie Fowler
Y'know, I've got the IQ of a wardrobe, but your theories are so well put that even I can understand them y'know. I own trillions of houses, but non of them are built on foundations as solid as the foundations of your analysis mate y'know. Y'know, I shed a few tears there mate after reading that making my face even puffier than normal y'know. But it's all worth it at the end of the day y'know because I look like I've just woken up. Just like Liverpool Football Club is waking up under Brendan Rodgers.
Reply by Enoch Powell
I'm a massive racist so I'm obviously sympathetic to the Liverpool way and I just had to register to show my gratitude for your great post mate. May the rivers of blood run red. For the mighty reds of Liverpool Football Club.
Reply by Martin Georgiev
Wow, fantastic post mate. I had a massive dent in my head caused by a paving slab, apparently thrown by a sleeping man, hundreds of metres away in a hotel. But your analysis blew my mind to such an extent that the dent has now been pushed out. My skull is now back to its original shape with no loss of structural integrity.
Thanks Andy Badgeman
